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  1. JESUS: I’mma cure them leopards, guys. You guys! Let’s gooooo… let’s… go heal those jungle cats.

    MARK: Lepers. You want to heal the lepers.

    JUDAS: Jesus, you need to sit down. You’re drunk again.

    MATTHEW: Your blood is literally wine.

    JESUS: Man, I’m hungry… but lo, there’s only one raw fish pizza roll left. WAIT, I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

    JUDAS: I know what you’re thinking, and please DO NOT do it. The toilet’s clogged and we cannot afford for you to have raw fish diarrhea again.

    — MCSWEENEY’S THE LOST GOSPEL.

    (Source: mcsweeneys.net)